LISTENING IS A GIFT

Listening is an invisible communication interaction that enhances relationships.  Heartfelt and deep listening are rare gifts that we can give to others.   Allowing silence to enter our conversations holds the richest potential for demonstrating respect, care, and attentiveness.  It is an extraordinary person who can be fully engaged and honor another through quiet presence.  Much “listening” time is spent formulating our ideas so we can quickly respond.  We do not “feel” like we are contributing unless we are solving others’ problems or giving advice.  Most people cringe at the thought of having silence for more than a few seconds, however, stillness may be the greatest gift you share.  Curbing our words demonstrates our trust, confidence, and respect for others’ wisdom.  Without saying a word, we acknowledge individuals’ capacity to create their own solutions.  The tranquility of silence allows the speaker space for reflecting, forming inner thoughts, and allowing emerging ideas to surface.

I remember a profound experience of someone deeply listening to me.  It was at the beginning of my speaking career and I was extremely nervous before a presentation.  A co-worker, also participating in the event, was distributing brochures on participants’ chairs.  Trying to dissipate my anxious energy, I walked up to him and started jabbering.  I will never forget how he stopped placing the leaflets on the seats and turned directly to face me giving full, unfiltered attention.  It is hard to describe the impact.  To this day, I still remember this powerful encounter.   He did not “fake” listen and multi-task by continuing to drop the information packets.  It taught me an especially important lesson about being fully present to someone and the impact that brief interactions can carry.   From that day forward I have worked on being present when people are speaking to me.  I know it is a rare gift when we receive full attention during our conversations.

Question:  How can you give the gift of listening to others?

TECHNOLOGY AND LISTENING

Billions of dollars are spent every year on psychotherapy and the evolving coaching field.  The main criteria of a therapy or coaching session is listening.  People are spending hard earned money to be heard—to have someone intently listen to them without distraction.  It is ironic that we live in a world of constant contact through cell phones, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and an untold number of other communication venues, and yet we are starving to be acknowledged and appreciated.  We have forgotten who we are at our core—human beings craving to be connected and accepted.  We measure our value on the number of “likes” or “friends” we have accumulated on internet media, but we fall asleep at night dreaming about being deeply loved.

Several studies have asked young people what they wanted to be when they grew up—the number one response was “to be famous”.  It was not fame based on effort, knowledge, or creativity—just famous.  The fantasy of fame is based on the desires of notoriety, admiration, and recognition.  Simply put—we want to be known and valued. This hunger for attention from others speaks to our inner lack of self-worth.  We don’t listen to ourselves, but we are driven by what others may think about us.  We are overly concerned about how we will be admired and judged.  I frequently watch adults in restaurants pay more attention to their technology devices than they do to their children.  I am curious if the child quickly comprehends that the gadgets in the parents’ hands are more valued than time being spent with them.  No wonder young people want to be famous, if they were well-known then maybe their parents or authority figures would celebrate them and acknowledge their value by giving them full attention.  They would be validated and feel as treasured as the technology apparatuses.

Question:  If you stripped away all the technology in your life, how would you listen differently?

W.A.I.T.

The acronym W.A.I.T. stands for “Why am I talking?”  This is an informative question to ask ourselves frequently when we are in conversations.  Pausing and self-inquiring “Why am I talking?” requires us to reflect before spearheading into another comment.   An ancient proverb says “The words of the tongue should have three gatekeepers:  Is it TRUE?, Is it KIND?, or Is it NECESSARY?”  The next time you want to give advice, gossip, or share a long story about yourself keep these three things in mind—Truth, Kindness, or Necessity?  The discipline to minimize your words may create an opportunity to have deeper conversations that authentically connect you to the wisdom of others.

The old saying “You have two ears and one mouth—so listen twice as much as you speak.” is an excellent guide during conversations.  How many times have you been trapped in an interaction where the person talks incessantly?  They have no clue the impact they are having on others.  I had a client who was informed of his chronic need to be the center of attention with inappropriate humor and long stories about his accomplishments.  Recognizing his behavior was complicated by his limited ability to notice others’ reactions while he shared stories.  When we discussed this feedback he initially was in complete denial.  After reflecting on his internal motivators, he realized that what drove his conduct was a need for external validation. Sometimes the behavior of self-centeredness masks an internal lack of confidence.  Increase your self-awareness and remember to W.A.I.T. before speaking.

Question:  How can you use the W.A.I.T. method in your conversations?

LISTEN WITH HEART TO YOURSELF

Listen with your heart?  What does that mean to you?  If you ranked your ability for heartfelt listening towards yourself, how would you score?  My guess is lower than you would like.  The Cleveland Clinic Wellness website states that on average we have 60,000 thoughts per day and 95% of our daily thoughts are repeated every day.  The most surprising statistic is that 80% of our habitual thoughts are negative.  If you do shower yourself with daily doses of criticalness, discovering ways to stop harmful thoughts from monopolizing your mind would dramatically change your life.

Below are possible strategies that you may employ to create self-awareness and change undesirable behaviors.

• If you do nothing else but stopped 80% negative thinking, your life will immediately be transformed. Think of all the time you would have to be positive, creative, or pursue your dreams.
• Frequently ask yourself “Am I being critical or curious?” Curiosity invites nonjudgement and creative ideas.
• Imagine a red stop sign and, in your mind, internally say “STOP!” Or put up a STOP sign symbol where you can frequently see it.  Interrupting automatic thinking provides opportunities to integrate new positive thoughts.
• For one day keep a score sheet with checkmarks for positive and negative thoughts. Keep doing this until your positive thoughts surpass negative false opinions.  You will be creating new habits that build on your strengths.
• Be mindful of over apologizing or constantly saying “I’m sorry”. These behaviors reinforce internal negative beliefs, and they are a red alert to others that your confidence is low.  You stay a victim constantly waiting for others’ approval.
• Tell yourself “I Love You” several times a day. You are reinforcing your unconscious beliefs that you are lovable.
• Ask yourself “Would I treat my best friend the way I behave towards myself?” or “Would my friends say to me what I tell myself?” If your answer is no to either of these questions, then stop treating yourself unkindly and disrespectfully.

 Question:  What strategies can you use to decrease negative thinking?